Lazy or not

So how does today find you? I find it begging me to go back to bed. I distinctly hear these profound words, ” Just go back to bed.”

I can feel the heavy bed hair wildly yawn on my head, hear my knees turning to jelly not yet set. Ready to collapse.Collapsing. Whatever it was that the boys were bickering over, I did not hear, though I have silenced the disquiet. Silence is disquiet. There is a bouquet in the air that congeals into stuffiness near my nose. I sniff .wp_ss_20160227_0001

A lungful of spring. I am playing for time, lingering, making only desultory efforts to pack for our trip to Big Bear’s family home, come Wednesday. There is much to do, I am strained. A short flight, from one kitchen to another. Long car trips with whining kids, a lot of people to meet and greet. The children love the big yard, the roomy spaces while I stay caught in the wash and fold of laundry and the incredible amount of thought that goes into what is for breakfast and lunch and dinner. And again.

“Just go back to bed.”

And dream. Of a holiday, where rest awaits me. Where my puppet legs can flop down finally on a bare cold rock. Where I can be in a singlet to let the cold hurt my skin and then snuggle in white sheets with a cup of tea for as long as I like. Where I can be a bed head in a cafe and just people watch and sketch. Where I can stuff dirty laundry in the bags till I get back home to it and we can eat out all the time and read and slow walk.

Lazy or not, I am stalled for a little while more. Dishes suspended in the sink.Collapsed.

Till I have had a good cry. Then I’ll pack in a rush. Be strong and take it on.

 

Hide, don’t seek !! and a spring surprise!!

I had a table , nothing splendid about it, just that under its solid wood was my hiding place. I trusted it to save me from all the dreadful and much muddled matters of the world. A little life in a little home of my own making. I imagined many winds, heavy rains ,serious looking storms – they hardly rocked my tiny circumnavigating boat. I may have befriended some dust bunnies too.

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All grownup , I still have the table.  Just that it is no longer my hiding place, I do not make friends with dust bunnies no more.I have grown allergic to them. Nor do I brave howling winds with daring feats. I live a little life in a little home , and muddled matters make their way to me against my liking.

Now , from wherever one begins the story, there is a long winding tale before and behind. So that when one is gloomy in the present , a hurt from long ago comes unbidden and uncalled. Long days in powder gray, they are not spill proof. There is toddler drool all over them. They don’t hide stains well either. Tears have fallen over a one too many bad mood outbursts from Big Bear. My boat has been dangerously rocking, telling me again and again, everything is fallible. Nautical or not.

On days such, I hide, don’t seek. This time around though, I was found. By some friends new, who told me not to give up. On myself, on this place here.  A dear friend, sent me messages from a faraway land, every morning even as she struggled with her own long days. A cake, a flower , a hot meal , some rest, baby sitting – she said she would do it all, if she could drop by. Now , nobody near me said that to me EVER. Not even for saying’s sake. How much a simple thought can count ! How much a difference it can make!!

Like the linen ruffled itself, and the pillows plumped themselves too. I for once got treated to nice sleep. Awake, I see spring all around. Is it spring by you yet?

If  you are still snowed in, or have the most curious case of cabin fever or winter blues or just a long day is getting you down, I want to share a little of  my spring.  Please feel free to download these wildflowers from my secret garden! Flaunt them on your phone and wear your heart on your sleeve! I am hoping , a friend somewhere will find YOU.

mammabugbitmegarden1spring is here

mammabugbitmegarden4flower blooms

 

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secret garden

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flower corner

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cheer me up!

 

Cow-tastrophe, adieu to nursing.

Ever since I was just a little girl, I was quite the cow. Daft and awkward and herbivore. Aunt Flo paid me her first visit rather late but I think I always had the motherly instinct. I was ready to be blinded in love, to keep home and to cradle precious little cherubs.cow1

Big Bear must have given me a knowing look, I must have blushed and there I was – excitedly nesting and moo-dily resting, groaning and growing. Generally refusing to come down from cloud nine. Metaphorically of course. Or literally.

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Well, till I was brought down, held , all my moo-vements moo-ing beyond my control and toasty pink babies popping out of me. One by one , the second one five years after the first. So, I have received knowing looks from Big Bear and blushed at least twice in my life.cow3

Each time, for months thereafter, everything was betwixt and between. I was sleepless and there was udder chaos (pun seriously intended). I had a little nursling in a cute outfit ogling into the dark , slurping away. I must admit that there were times I lost all the joy in country moo -sic and completely drowned myself in blues instead but the cute outfits and Big Bear always got me right on track.cow4

As the suckling grew , we formed a routine and stuck to it. We started to have a few udderly pleasant days. We even slept better.  I felt seasoned and was so much into everyday that I ignored how fast the suckling was enlarging and how much more engaging his little world was getting. Then on a particularly nice day, when I was feeling on top of things and was about to jump over the moon,

cow5 I was brought down, held in surprise, when my suckling, now toddler(?!) was ready to be put to bed without a comforting nursing session. He was done. We were done. cow6I am in udder chaos, maybe it is just deja-moo. It feels like a cow-tastrophe though. I am trying to laugh it off but I am grieving inside. I tried lingerie shopping and don’t know yet if it will help. This hormonal turmoil makes me want to blush again but Big Bear being the sensible one reminds me , ” No NO honey we are good!”

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Maybe I am scared of not being a cow anymore. I am scared of saying adieu to nursing. So I ll just say goodbye for the while. It may never be but I will not close the possibility. I will be meeting a little bit more of me in the meanwhile. Daft and awkward and herbivore.