Hello, I used to blog here

I thought I’d be able to jump right back. All purposeful and action-y and bouncy. Armed with newly reset passwords and sleeves rolled up. I thought I’d just throw open the curtains, and light would enter and gulps of fresh air and with one full breath I would set dust bunnies all in a tizz. I thought I just would. One day. Some day. Which day. How many times.

I hadn’t planned to fall down this way, down this vortex. Unannounced, Safety belt denied , all by myself. It sits so heavily on my shoulders, there are times I can walk only in circles. Maybe talk in circles too. A sadness that pitches low and constant and is barely perceptible but in the blink of an eye rises to the surface with the rawest of howls.

A ripple effect that extends far and wide. Even as I scrub the kitchen floor and find another snack for the little ones. Even as another day passed with me thinking all day about painting and then not.

I found the dust bunnies all clumped together, heaving up and down in gentle snores, oblivious like. My google account stretched languidly on a sofa, comfortable in the certainty that even spammers go away if one is quiet long enough. I tried one day, some day, a promised day, by Saturday. I couldn’t .

And then today. I am trying yet again. That is my intent, to try.  Painting, stuck fast into my soul, these six months I have only been watching it slip by. I realize how destructive it has been for me. So, I am just making a conscious decision to paint again. And it only seems right to type it down.

To try to paint. Maybe dust bunnies won’t really mind so much.

 

 

3 thoughts on “Hello, I used to blog here”

  1. Welcome back, dear Swati – I’ve felt your absence and thought of you often, hoping you were OK. I will tell you from experience it is not uncommon for an artist to go through bouts of wanting to walk away from their craft…..especially after completing a sizable project such as the 100 painting challenge one we met each other on!!

    You poured your heart and Soul into each and every single painting and you are absolutely on schedule and entitled to feel depleted, empty and lost after completing such a huge accomplishment!

    I look at this “down time” as the Universe’s way of allowing we artists to recharge our batteries. Yes, we feel lost and scared thinking we’ll never feel that wonderful artistic sense again – or worse, we will never paint or create art again because we “used it all up” and there’s nothing left

    But I’ve found it is equally important to embrace these empty, artless times, for our Muses have gone on a well-needed vacation and they will be back with something even more exciting and creative for us to do when they return.

    And eventually, they will show up unannounced without a single apology for leaving us empty, alone and afraid. Inspiration hits from the strangest place, and we are launched again into another new and even better series that we had never even imagined possible.

    And full circle, we pick up the brush and follow our Souls – and trust me – it will happen over and over and over again.

    ‘Tis the life of an artist – the life we chose to live on this earth. Embrace those dark days and know they were there to balance the ultra-creative and productive ones. And when you’re ready to pick up that brush and start painting again, I will also be inspired by your fabulous new designs and wonderful stories of you and your family that eternally warm my heart.

    I’m glad you’ve risen and look forward to having you back.

    Love from across the world,
    JJ

  2. I find myself running away from painting often. Brushes and paints call to me from my cabinets. I long for it and avoid it at the same time. You are a strong person and I applaud your decision making! I wondered what had happened to you and was very glad to read this blog.

I like to hear what you think!